Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Did NOT Dress Well Today!

What do you have on today? If you are like me, and at home with the kids, I will quickly pull my hair back, throw on clothes, even if they don't look the best together, and viola! I am ready for the day. After all, it is just me and the kids...and the pets. BUT when I go out to church or on a date with my husband, I will make sure I am more presentable. I will comb my hair, make sure I at least match, make sure I am wrinkle free, and once in a while put on a little makeup.

Why do I do this? Dress less for the house and more for the "outside world"? Is it because I want to present myself in a better way? I don't want others to look down on me?

As I began to ponder about this I thought of myself spiritually.

Do I cloth myself in righteousness? Or sin?

I often fail in righteousness. Take this morning for example:

I wake up at 3:00 am and only doze from then on until the kids get up. I tried to pray but I found myself getting side tracked with other thoughts or falling asleep for 10- 15 minutes at a time. When 7:00 rolled around I could tell in my heart I was not being cheerful and was beginning to have a bad attitude. I prayed to my Lord to help me be cheerful and not to take it out on the children.

I arise with the children...everything going smoothly. We had to leave at 8:30 to be at a co-op we joined. By 8:30, the kids were fed, dressed, teeth brushed, and ready to go. I was surprised because they did not get up until 7:50am. So I send them off to the van to buckle up while I made my 4th trip to the bathroom since I got up ( My "Little Bambina""Bambino" was enjoying sitting on my bladder). Next thing I hear is a shriek scream and then my Katie Faith comes in screaming.
"What is wrong, Katie Faith" I ask. She proceeded to tell me how one of her siblings hit her. Remember...all are SUPPOSED to be buckled up, and if this was the one could hit their sibling!
I become angry and tell the sibling to get out of the van NOW and go to my room. I followed in anger letting the child know of my unhappiness. I discipline the child and send them back to the van while fussing at the behavior this child has displayed. I finally use the bathroom and then off we go. It was not a happy drive to our co-op. I told the children "NO TALKING!" and I begin to lecture all I do for them, even while I am sick, and how they disobey, disrespect, don't do this and that. I begin thinking about how I will need to pull my self together before we get to co-op. As I am being very unkind to my children my Lord is convicting me of my sinfulness and hypocrisy. I get very quiet the closer we approach our destination. I comb my hair, pull it back in a nice ponytail, and pull into the parking lot. I sit. And sit.

The tears begin to swell up in my eyes. I just sinned against my kids. And more importantly God. I repent and tell my kids how wrong I was for my harsh and angry words and ask them to forgive me. I look at the child who I disciplined earlier and ask for forgiveness with the tears now rolling down my once red cheeks full of anger to my now ashamed white cheeks. The child says "Yes" and tears go in their eyes.

We get out of the van, walk in the building like nothing happened. No one would have known the event that just took place. We said our hellos and sat for the meeting to begin shortly. The kids get in their groups excited to be with others, like, once again, nothing happened.

I helped with my group but my thoughts kept going to the earlier events of my anger. I had put my kids through so much and then walked in like nothing happened. How was it affecting them? Are they thinking of it at all? Will they later as they lay in bed at night?

I put on my best attitude for these other people but for my kids...they got the worse. Why? Why did I do this? Because I am comfortable around them so I don't care as much knowing they will forgive me? If others would have seen this side they would have probably whispered to one another, "What a terrible mom!" and have nothing to do with me.

I was dressed so messy spiritually! Do you ever feel like this? How do you act at home verses in public with others? Are you messier at home?

Angry,sad, discontent? Moody, snappy, unsatisfied? Easily frusterated, careless with words?

or are you...

Joyful, happy, patient? Longsuffering, kind, gentle? Always peaceful inspite of the circumstance?

I know I fail, I did today. I am SO thankful I have a forgiving Father in heaven, husband and kids. People who will love me inspite of my ugly sin.

Tonight I will be taking some extra time to examine myself. I plan on finding and writing down some scripture on index cards to help me when tempted to sin in certain areas. I will keep them close by so I can pull them out at any time to read when needed.

I trust my God will help me cloth myself in righteousness as I persevere to do so. I want to "throw away" all my ugly "clothes" and honor God, my husband and children. I want to be beautiful in their sight and not an wrinkled, smelly, hair pulled back with pieces sticking out, unmatched child, wife, and mommy.

It will happen, not by my strength, but by God's, because I know He will continue to work and sanctify me. It may be a slow progress but slowly, day by day, I will be more and more of a "better dresser"!


Tracy said...

lovely post!

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post! I simply love the way that you pour your heart into these words. It is amazing how our own children can become the sharpest tool that God uses in our sanctification. Your story strikes at my heart because I am so often, so guilty of the same failures. Why is it that the rudest stranger that I encounter at Wal-Mart still sees my best behavior while my own family has to deal with my faults? I am giving my best (even if I am faking it) to strangers and depriving those who deserve it most. Even the slightest hint of idolatry should send us to our knees in repentance for violating the first commandment. So, is this in some sense breaking the seventh commandment? I am quite certain that on Judgment Day we will all be surprised at just how sinful we truly are.

Kristy said...

What an honest post - that we all feel and experience at different times. I appreciate your honesty and openness with a very hard struggle (one we all unfortunately know about).

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Cynthia said...

I'm giving you a second reward....Actually, I think Candi gave it to you already but I think you deserve it twice!