Thursday, December 18, 2008

Use this, Lord...somehow.

Being pregnant for most people is a joyous time...knowing there is a baby in the womb, a "certain glow" about the face, love in the air knowing a little one will be entering into this world, excitement about feeling kicks, the fun of wearing maternity clothes and people asking how much longer you have, ultrasounds, guessing what sex baby is, picking out names, and so on.

For me, though I enjoy these things, I don't exactly delight in being pregnant. The never-ending nausea and fatigue grow wearisome. I try to "go on without complaint" but, at times, begin with the tears rolling down my cheeks as everyone in my house is asleep. Pleading to God for the nausea to stop, to feel "normal" for a day. To not struggle with getting school and housework done, acting like I feel better than I do. To be able to enjoy my kids and have fun with them, running around playing hide and go seek or pushing them on the swing, enjoying their desire in wanting to help with dinner like I do when not pregnant.

Please don't get me wrong, I am happy to be "with child", I am just struggling right now. I am tired. Weak. Mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Spiritually...dry. I try to pray, yet when I do, I fall asleep or feel like I am not getting anywhere. I feel like I let my friends and family down as I am not praying for them like I usually do. I long to be "in the presence" of my heavenly Father. Yet, I don't go to Him as much as I should...... Sigh......Oh to feel like myself again. Not like I have a lingering flu.

During these times I just have to rest in Christ. Rest. Easier said than done. But I know it is what I need to do. Meditate on His Scripture. On His Words. Yet I don't read like I should. Why am I writing this blog now when I should be searching scripture? Why does it seem easier to do this than read the Bible? Oh I know this terrible. I fail so much. Yet God is so faithful to me. Why? Why me? Don't know but I trust He is because His Word tells me so.

Oh to be close with Christ again. Is it my sin? Is it my lack of fellowship with Him? With my husband, AJ, I seek to have the best relationship with him, always trying to improve my own faults with Christ's help, making sure I take time with him, talking, getting to know any little detail about him I might not have known before, yet what about my relationship with Christ. My Creator. The One who has and never will fail me. Who is ever so faithful. Why? Why do I place my relationship with God not as worthy. I know it is worthy. I know I should, yet I feel like I fail. I know He is my Father and I am His child. All I can do is rest.

Rest my heart in Christ's truth. In His strength to get me past this time of hardship physically, mentally, and spiritually. Knowing He will get me through. Cast all my cares upon Him. Through my tears.

Yes, this shall past. It always does.In a day or two I will be renewed by Christ...knowing I can make it because He is with me and His strength only will get me past this down time. When I have my sweet "Little One" and start to feel better physically. Tomorrow I'll probably regret sharing this with others. Why? Could it be pride? Sin. It plagues me so.

Help me, Lord.

Dry these weary tears.

Strengthen me.

Use this to mold me like you, Jesus. It will be worth it.

Carry me.

Comfort me.

Protect my children.

Bless my husband for his faithfulness, prayers, and help.

Oh help me. Use this for YOUR glory Oh Lord...somehow.

I ask my friends, please pray for me. Pray for my family.


Tracy said...

I wasn't happily pg either...though my labors were pretty easy! Maybe it was a trade off. Praying for you...

Kristy said...

You shouldn't regret sharing your heart. Those who truly care will not judge, instead we can say that we all struggle with the same things. Daily. (Except the pregnant part!) My nausea was aweful, and did take so much out of me. Just preparing food for my family was so difficult because it all made me sick. I do pray that you would begin to feel better soon. And for us all to chose Christ before other things.

Taryn said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs, my friend. I hate that you are so sick right now. But remember that you honor God by honoring your husband. I know that you trust in the Lord and through Him you will find new strength. You know what to do. Delve in and devour His Word, our lifeline.

The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
Psalm 19:7

Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel, which is translated "God with us."
Matthew 1:23

With Sincere Love,

Cynthia said...

Praying for strength and rest for you.

Christy said...

Hi, I just stumbled on your blog. Thank you Thank you for sharing your struggles, for being transparent with others. You have blessed me and I'm sure many others by your realness. There is nothing and I mean nothing that compares to the lingering sickness that sometimes accompanies pregnancy. And although we know that a blessing beyond measure will soon be ours to hold and nuzzle with, the sickness is unbearable and made me feel many days like I was being pushed to my absolute limit. Thank you, again, for your heart and for sharing it with all of us. May God bless you and your growning family.