Why?

I check my email. My eyes are drawn to "Tom White Dies of Suicide".

Tom White? But...wait...did I read that right? Yes, Tom White.

For those that don't know, Tom White is a former prisoner of Cuba for his beliefs in Christ and sharing the Gospel with this lost country. He also was the director of Voice of Martyrs for persecuted christians. I have his book, I know his story.

I open up my email and read of his death. And my heart saddens. My eyes burst in tears.

His wife.
His children.
Grandchildren.

They have lost their loved one.

Their pain. My heart hurts for them.
Questions they are asking themselves.


"Why?"
"How come he didn't talk to me?"
"Why didn't I see signs?"
"What was going through his mind?"
"Did he die right away? Or did he suffer?"

These questions are close to my heart for I asked myself the same ones when my sister killed herself.

My heart stopped when I recieved the call from my family that night. I thought it was a sick joke, but it was reality. I hung the phone up.

I lost my breath.

I prayed.

I ran to AJ's arms to cry out to my God.

"Oh Dear God in heaven, I don't know why this happened, but I know you have a reason. Be glorified, be glorified......help... help me dear God."

This was all I could say and was my cry for a long time in the deep pain I felt.

Oh the pain this family is feeling right now. If only I could get to them and hold them tight. Speak God's Word in their minds.  

Tell them to cling to the promise God gives us in His Word in Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you; never forsake you."

Suicide brings different thoughts to your mind unlike other deaths.

Tom chose to take his life. My sister chose to take her life. 

There are so many feelings that go with this horrible way of death. Too many to tell here. Some I wouldn't repeat except to my closest friends for "others" may find it strange.

But in the midst of the deep, dark, horrible pain there is hope.

Didn't feel like it, I just had to believe it. I had to remind myself daily. Sometimes minute by minute.I had to stay in God's Word.

Oh! And will you do me a favor? Don't judge him. Don't say he is in hell. Don't say he wasn't a true christian or he would have persevered. Don't say he wanted attention. Don't say he can't be forgiven.

These accusations hurt. They did me.

My sister is in heaven. I know because she loved the Lord. She was a young believer, but a believer. Once saved, Christ covers all sins, past, present, future.  If she killed herself for attention...that is an odd way to get attention since she is not here to get it. My sister persevered in her own way. Did she give up? Yes! But we all fail. The only difference, it was permanent for her. For Tom.

The White family is hurting right now. Will you join with me in praying for them?
Pray they will keep their eyes on Christ? Pray that others will surround that family and hold them up in God's Word when they feel too overwhelmed to think for themselves?

Will you pray for my family? The pain never goes away. Gets easier. But doesn't leave.

I'll always miss my sister.
Toms family will miss their dad, grandfather, husband.

So why did Tom take his life? Why did my sister?

There are accusations. There are stories. 

Some say they don't know, but I know why. 

God's Word tells me in His Word:

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

That is why!

I know God has His reason. For my good. For the good of those in Tom's life that love the Lord.And I thank Him. He knows the best for me, Tom's family, and yours. I believe it. I trust it. And I have seen it.

So, in the midst of the pain this family is going through, my prayer is they will hold fast to God's Word. They will one day see how God has used this immense trial and God would be glorified from their mouths.

In Memory of a man who loved the Lord

and a girl...

Whom I still can't look at a picture of....

To God be the Glory.